Thursday, September 13, 2007
to...
today wasn't particularly eventfulclass this morning wasn't bad. i stayed up all night in order to assure that i actually MADE it to class (good for me) and i'm staying up now. was planning on going to jen's and visiting mir, but jen never returned from getting her lipped pierced, so i've just sort of sat around all afternoon trying to stay awake.i should call my mother soon and tell her i'm not coming home on the weekend. travelling is too stressful. it makes me feel anxious just thinking about having to catch the bus and take the nearly 6 hours trip home. ugh. i need a car.i have a desire to listen to hole because of tv.i wonder what i'm going to do for dinner tonight...that bug bite i was complaining about the other day, it looks absolutely awful. if i knew where my camera was, i'd take a picture. it almost looks like a burn. it's got weird dots and shit. creepy. i hate bugs.jen(topia), what should i wear to your wedding? well, anyone really, what should i wear? perhaps i'll take picture of dresses i have later this week and people look'em overit sure is obvious that i haven't slept, ain't it
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
17 comments:
EEE! show me pics@@#! p.s. - you wear whatever it is your little heart desires :D
duct tape! wear duct tape.
i'm wearing the only nice dressy thing I own. =p it's a sweater shell with a long sleeve sweater jacket over it, and a flowered skirt. All in mauves.
and EEEK about the bug bite. @_@
Sorry Linz!!! I need a portable phone-book so I can call you next time. Went over to trevors and had food (hadn't seen him much at all in last week... otherwise would have left and gone with you).*hugs*
honestly jen, i'm pretty disappointed, although i must admit, i knew you were going to end up ditching me for trevor, because you seem to have a tendency of doing that to your friends when he's involved
i want to wear a nice dress. i never get a chance to wear them!
Is there some way I can make it up to you?
that's not why i said something...i just wanted to tell you the truth because you're starting to hang out with trevor more again, and i figured i'd say something before i got really bitter about it.
i'll post pictures after the weekend :)
Well, thank-you for saying something. Honestly, I can be quite stupid when it comes to such things and DO need it pointed out to me because I can be blind to it. I *don't* want to lose you as a friend or see you get bitter, because you are a fun and interesting person and I enjoy your company. In retrospect I should have come home mid-afternoon, I had expected him to dump me off at home after getting my piercing because he hasn't *wanted* to hang out with me as of late.. in any case, I should have let you know and I completely forgot instead (which is awful AND unfair to you).
the things is, he's treated you like crap, time and time again, and you're letting him just use you again if you just do whatever he feels like privileging you with his company, instead of doing other things you'd planned.it's not like i'm trying to keep you from having fun, but just giving into doing whatever he wants isn't going to make him want to hang out with you more, it's just getting into the same cycle you've been through a couple times already and ended up badly
I seem to let myself get caught in such cycles, same thing happened in highschool as well. I think the problem is that I feel if I pass up an opportunity to spend time with him he'll not ask me to do anything again. Which is stupid.. I mean.. with a real friend I shouldn't have such doubts..Need to break the cycle, not quite sure how.. because I still do want to be his friend, but it always has to be on his terms and I need to make it instead on my terms.. maybe instead of just sitting there being bored while he plays with his computer I'll just leave like I sometimes think I ought to when he's not paying any attention to me. If he hasn't seen me in a week you'd think he'd want to spend time with me instead of his computer. I'm a little hurt >:( He's kind of gone back to ignoring me for the most part again, when I consider him periodically to be one of my best friends.. it makes me feel unimportant and shitty about myself that I care so much about him/want to hang out and yet he can just forget about me for weeks at a time and not miss me at all. It actually pisses me off quite a bit.. he's a shitty friend a good 60% of the time but I tend not to always see it because I have such low standards for how I expect to be treated. I need to do some serious introspection I think and assess these things *argh*
Yeah.. I was thinking about this on the way home from getting my pita tonight. I mean, spending every day with someone and having many intimate conversations (non-sexual), feeling SUPER close to him, only to have him discover someone new (well, I think so) and completely go back to being a stranger again.. I don't *like* feeling disposeable. I mean.. he's hardly even saying much on msn with me these days. It's like he'll hang out with me and act like I mean something when he has nobody else and then drop me at the first possible opportunity. Even with my low self-esteem I know I'm not THAT horrible a friend or person that anyone should want to be rid of me or treat me that badly.I may be investing myself in the wrong type of friend, or maybe for him sex just takes priority over platonic friends.. dunno and I'm not even going to try to understand.
thing is, he doesn't have friends. he has people who make him feel better about himself. i had a "friend" like that in high school. we'd hang out all the time outside of school when no one was around, but whenever we were around anyone else, i was secondary. what finally made me realise it was when we started taking kick boxing and despite the fact that i was her best friend she would always partner up with this other girl from school who was more popular, every.single.time.it drove me nuts. between that and the fact she always tried to steal every boy i ever liked as soon as i told her i liked them. i finally got smart and lost her.you're a very giving person but you do it so that you can have a mutual connection with someone else, something that's reciprical, not onesided or something that means something different to the other person. you're not a tool to make someone feel better about themselves, to keep them occupied while no one else is around, you deserve to have friends that actually care about you the same way you care about them, and that's something you're not going to get from trevor because he's not capable of it. you're not wrong for wanting it or expecting it, but it's just not going to happen with him at this point, if ever.
Wow.. good advice.. I can't add this entry to MY memories for future reference can I?I guess I have to either accept that he's this way or not, if I try to talk to him I'm sure he'll just be annoyed that I'm getting complicated and tell me to "suck it up" or "stop reading into things" assuming I'd get any response.Maybe the fact he's mostly ignoring me is a good thing, with space I can better assess things and try to get out of bad patterns of behaviour. If you want to do something this weekend let me know, I am in toronto during the day sat but am around otherwise *hugs*Love you muchly Linz!
Ahhhahahahhaaha... I can totally add YOUR entry to MY memories afterall. That is fucking sweet...
Post a Comment